Turkey Sandwich for Breakfast? Yes Indeed.

Yesterday I had a leftover turkey sandwich for breakfast. Strange beginning to a blog post but here's why it's so amazing to me...

For years, I avoided meat like the plague and carried with me an ever rising fear of being out of control with my weight. In hot pursuit of keeping the fat OFF my body, I thought cutting out meat from my diet would be a safe route. Wrong. Because for me, it didn't stop at cutting out that particularly undesirable food group. I eventually had a small handful of 'acceptable' foods that became a way of life for me....a way of life that promised to lead me to my grave. BUT GOD are two of the most beautiful words I have ever heard and experienced. BUT GOD, in His great mercy, pulled me out of a hopeless pit of self destruction. SO thankful for big reminders of God's goodness towards me...all from a turkey sandwich.

The first portion of one of my favorite worship songs perfectly describes where I used to be:

 



I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still

 

 

And now, thank God, this is my new way of living:

 

 

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is GRACE

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

 

~Soveriegn Grace Music

 

 

 





All things NEW(er).

Looking back on past years can sometimes be disheartening, but this is not the case for 2012.  This past year marks one of VICTORY and the surest of all freedoms...freedom form anorexia, freedom from a life of striving to achieve perfection (something I was never meant to have), freedom from dependence, and freedom from satans power over my life. MUCH to be grateful for as I move into a brand new year holding tightly to the very promises that will enable me to continue walking in victory.

June 8, 2012 represents a day of declaration as I graduated from a treatment center called Vision of Hope: http://www.faithlafayette.org/voh/. I received a beautiful ring as a reminder of what God has saved me from: years of chasing after death. Inscribed inside this ring, is the word ALIVE, chosen by my Counselor and it proves to be a constant assurance of His plan for my future. Psalm 118:17 says this of which I wholeheartedly claim: "I will not die, but I will LIVE and proclaim what the LORD has done."

HE also redeems time. In Joel 2:25, God declares: "I will restore the years that the swarming locusts have eaten." I thank God for this as I have certainly seen many "locusts" in my day. SO thankful that His promises are true for me too.

I have no clue what this New Year holds, but I do know Who holds me and that is enough: "I am my beloved and my Beloved is mine." Song of Solomon 6:3

Reasons for JOY in 2102:

Moving HOME to Warsaw in January, getting my CNA certification, being there for my nephews birthday parties, VOH and all that it means to me, cherished friendships that will last a lifetime, getting to work for the kindest, most patient employer EVER, my April, living independently, paying my own bills (never would have thought this would be a reason for Joy), getting to meet my third nephew, breath taking laughter, shopping trips, guilt free frappes, and being wanted and LOVED
 by a God who never EVER gave up on me. :)

Ecclesiastes 5:19-20: "And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life -- that is indeed a gift from God. People who do this rarely look with sorrow on the past, for God has given them reasons for JOY."

quite the quote there, Philip...

At risk of unleashing too many facebook posts with my favorite quotes and lyrics, I thought I could use this blog as a place to share them along with my own personal reflections. For starters, I've been reading this book called, "Learning My Name" by Pete Gall. I can hardly wait to read his other book, "My Beautiful Idol". In his writing, I feel like He "gets" me and I totally "get" him. Some authors have a way of doing that and it truly is a gift. Among the quotes Pete refers to in his book, included one in particular that gripped me. Philip Yancey says this of grace: "We're all bastards, but God loves us anyhow." I appreciate quotes like this, even though, at first glance might come across as offensive...it could'nt be any more true. I'm pretty certain Philip was using the term "bastard" in this way:

1. Something that is of irregular, inferior, or dubious origin. OR...
2. Slang A person, especially one who is held to be mean or disagreeable.

In that case, such as I am before God...that is, without a mediator; someone to plead my case. If it not for the cross, I would stand before God guilty, vile, and helpless. Instead, because of Jesus, I will one day stand before God totally innocent, acceptable, and forgiven.  Wow. Now THAT is amazing grace for a bastard like me. :)

 

War Zones

Lyrics to a song that I can't seem to shake from my thoughts:

 

"My faith is worn and my hands are tired. My heart is torn between the truth and the liar, so I run cause I'm done and I need you. Your the one that will come to my rescue. My flesh and bones are caught in our war zone." (Building 429)

 

 I am altogether excellent at taking my eyes off of what really matters and onto things that don't. So it should come as no surprise to me when I start feeling my faith grow weak. Unfortunately it's not about just chalking it up to human weakness, because I know that my stubborn pride and vanity get in the way of me spending time doing things that actually matter. Thank God He has shown Himself to be my Truth Whisperer, Rescuer, and Victor over my life. He didn't fail me then and I can rest assured He won't fail me now. That being said, I have a crucial part to play in the middle of this "war zone" and I REFUSE to quit. My flesh obviously is most comfortable when every thought and every moment of my day is spent on me. My soul on the other hand, is in direct opposition to all that my flesh desires. I think of this quote often: C. S Lewis says, "You do not have a soul, You ARE a soul. You have a body" Thankfully, through Christ, my soul is stronger and way more important that my body will ever be. With this assurance, I can walk boldly into tomorrow knowing that God is on my side and my soul will win the battle over my flesh. Thank You God.

 

 

 



Ebenezer stones and Lamentations...

I thought alot today about my past and one of the first verses that came to my mind was out of Lamentations 3. Verses 19-21 say this:

 "The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss. YET I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends, His mercies never cease."

 

This passage most definitely hits everyone differently, but as for me, I can painfully identify with the the first half of chapter 3 (especially verses 1-18) as I remember my wandering days. I cry over them and sometimes avoid them at all costs. Either way, they are raw, real, and terrible. The reminders become less over time, but they still rise up often. Then comes Lamentations 3 verses 21-24. It overwhelms me to think that a God who had every reason to abandon me in my wandering, never did. NOT ONCE. I really do serve a most faithful and merciful God. I write all this as the music in the background says this of my faithful God, "In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down...not for a moment will you forsake me" (Merideth Andrews) Indeed, He is the God who never once took His loving eyes off me. He pursued me until the moment I hit my knees in sweet surrender.

 

Tonight, I was reading through 1 Samuel 7 where the Israelites get serious about ridding themselves of idols and surrendered to God through fasting and confession. It's interesting that trouble came upon them right after that. But whatever... as they began to face an overwhelming Philistine army, God gave them complete victory. Samuel then took up a stone and named it Ebenezer, meaning "the stone of help". It's like Samuel was saying;"Lord this day I am recognizing it is YOU who has been our help, our shield, and our victory." Call it you may: raising your Ebenezer or putting your stake in the ground but God deserves each and every form of glory we bring to him. I feel as though there are many Ebenezer moments over the past 10+ years of my life and I'm very thankful for each of them. I would not be where I am now, if it were not for the Lord being my help. Where I am now is UNBELIEVABLE, undeserving, and so very precious.

 



Broken Reflections and Grace...

One of my favorite authors says the following of grace:

“To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means.” ~Brennan Manning

 

God's grace has clearly been a theme throughout my life: the light, the dark, and the in-between places. Sometimes I get painful reminders of the years I have spent pursuing the darkened places. Even still, I often have this irrational longing to "taste" the dark days again. Woven in my life story are generous acts of GRACE, REDEMPTION, and an unwavering, relentless love. I've been encouraged by many people to start writing and so I pray this blog will be a reflection of beauty that I myself would never be capable of reflecting. Only through Christ could I ever represent even a glimpse of who He is. I struggle everyday, wrestling with who He says I am and the person I see in the mirror staring back at me (inside and out). The truth remains: He who calls me His friend, His child, and His beloved, is the same God who sees me as breathtaking and without flaw: "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7 

 

I don't understand it and I can't always see it, but THANK GOD He is walking with me as I try. :)